Cobra Kai as Greek Tragedy

So, I've been watching Cobra Kai (a spinoff of The Karate Kid), and firstly, I recommend watching it if you enjoyed the original Karate Kid movie that it's based on.

But, the interesting thing to me about this show is that it's pretty much taking the form of a Greek Tragedy, and in doing so re-imagining the original movie AS a Greek Tragedy from the perspective of Johnny Lawrence.  Daniel LaRusso becomes, not a hero or a villain, but the vehicle of a deus ex machina punishment of Johnny for his hubris.

Now, I'm certainly not a scholar of the Greek Tragedy, but my admittedly abbreviated understanding is that they generally take the form where the hero has the good life.  Then the hero commits a sin against a god or gods, usually in the form of hubris--of thinking that he doesn't need the gods, because he's so awesome he can do everything himself.  He thus ceases making proper sacrifices, or disobeys the gods, or otherwise scorns them.  This, of course, infuriates the gods, who are jealous of mortals, and they proceed to punish the mortal and make him lose everything he loves until he eventually realizes his crime and (usually) takes his own life out of despair.

That is certainly what is shaping up here, as Lawrence's attempts to elevate himself, recapture his glory days, and build some sort of future for himself are met at every turn with tragic consequences, usually due to the direct or indirect interference of Daniel LaRusso or one of his family.

What makes it all the more heartwrenching is that on a couple of occasions Johnny and Daniel meet in neutral circumstances and are actually quite friendly, but the ex machina keeps churning away in the background, setting them eternally at odds until its revenge is complete.

I'm looking forward to Season 3.

Fall, or Dodge in Hell

I quite enjoyed Neal Stephenson's latest novel, which is a return to his Snow Crash days of mixing technological advancements with Biblical mythology.  It also serves to highlight the worst problems and excesses that are typical of Stephenson's writing.

This novel combines transhumanist notions of The Singularity, life-extension, and post-humanity with the Book of Genesis.  As in most of Stephenson's works, there are good guys and bad guys, with the good guys being individualistic and reality-oriented, and the villains being authoritarian and preferring a weird quasi-religious techno-communism that is also, bizarrely, rather anti-technology.  There are also numerous sub-stories involving telepresence robots, visits to decayed sectors of America, a nuclear bombing scare, and the interaction of prosthetics and the human brain.  In other words, it's a typical Neal Stephenson novel.  Oh, and Enoch Root is in it.

The technological vision is, as always, fascinating, but toward the end the plot progression breaks and everything degenerates into a mindless action sequence which, in a movie, would have an immense special effects budget.  And then it just sort of . . . ends, and none of the ideas in the novel are really resolved.

My suspicion is that the reason why his novels end this way is that Stephenson is unable or unwilling to explicitly name the fundamental motivating principles of his good guys and bad guys.  He does an amazing job with characterizing the sides and building up the conflict and motivations, but at the point in the novel when it would be appropriate to cash in on the build-up he falters, shies away, and slaps on a Standard Action Movie Ending that feels like it belongs on a completely different book.

It smacks of a refusal to commit; a preference for a quasi-academic detachment that gives one the license to say anything without being criticized for meaning anything in particular.  As long as ideas remain floating allusions, metaphors, and allegories instead of being nailed down by explicit, stated terminology, there isn't much that anyone can say.  Attempts to argue can be effortlessly evaded by claiming some other intended meaning or none at all.  It is a request not for one's conscious agreement, but to smuggle some half-understood, partially-baked notions into one's subconscious.

It's an approach that is fundamentally at odds with the notion that to be a "good guy" means to be rational and reality-oriented.  It comes across as a declaration that while mysticism doesn't work and has to be rejected if one wishes to function as a human being, Stephenson still really, really wishes this weren't so.  It is a reluctant, embarrassed acceptance of rationality on the pragmatic grounds that it works, but it's also a fallen, broken, miserable substitute for an impossible, but still ultimately desirable, transcendence.

Anthem Fixes

I'm not really sure this would be enough to "fix" the game--there's still a lot that's really mediocre and uninteresting about how it is put together.  But these would be major improvements that would probably get me playing it again (yes, I've basically stopped even though it's only been out for a little over a week).

Gameplay

• Select Javelin.  The Forge area in Ft. Tarsis has FOUR Javelin loading spots.  Why is only ONE of them occupied by my CURRENT javelin?  All FOUR of my Javelins should appear on the loading area, and I should be able to pick which Javelin I want to use for my next mission by going to the Javelin I want to use.  Currently, I have to walk to the Forge, wait for the Forge to load, open the Javelins screen, click on the Javelin I want, click on the loadout I want, exit BACK  to the Forge, exit the forge, walk to the Javelin on the podium, click on it, select my mission.  This is silly.  It would be VASTLY more efficient if I could just walk up to the platform and click the Javelin I want to use, select my mission, and GO.
• Matchmaking parameters.  Currently I have no choice whatsoever about my matchmaking parameters.  At a minimum, I should be able to choose: Level Range, Other Javelin Types and LANGUAGE.  Since this is a GLOBAL game, chances are good that even with voice chat I'm going to be in a group with three people who DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.  Give us an account option where we can set our language so we can play with people we can actually communicate with.  I have nothing against Korean or Chinese or whatever players, I'm sure they're wonderful, but we can't communicate!
• Enemy spam.  Few, interesting enemies are MUCH better than gobs of sad little boring enemies, especially when they magically spawn in.  Cut the NUMBER of enemies in the game and make them TOUGHER and MORE INTERESTING to fight.  (And when I say "tougher" I don't mean "give them more HP and armor".  I mean, make them more COMPLEX to fight.)
• More Foe Types.  The game has a ridiculously tiny number of foes to fight, which isn't helped because when you're flying around at high speed the Scar, Dominion, and Outlaws look EXACTLY. THE. SAME.  So, really, there are TWO enemy types--the ones that look like people and shoot you with guns, and Skorpions.  Occasionally, a Titan with some elemental buddies.  Woo.
• Interesting Puzzles and Missions: As a friend of mine put it, there is exactly one type of mission in Anthem: the one where you shoot all the enemies there are.  DULL.
• Change the Tethering: If three people are still back at the mission start platform listening to the mission briefing and one person has TAKEN OFF, the one who has TAKEN OFF should tether BACK to the mission start instead of forcing everyone else to keep up with the zerging asshole.  Also, some missions will actually drop a physical wall that locks you out if you don't make it to the fight at the EXACT INSTANT that the person in front does.  This is idiotic.  The ethos should be "you're in a group, WAIT for them" not "you're in a group, so you HAVE to keep up".  And it shouldn't even give you the "catch up" warning unless you're MORE than one objective behind.  So if the group is on Objective 2, you shouldn't tether unless you're FURTHER AWAY than the Objective 1 area.  If you're between Objective 1 and Objective 2, NO TELEPORTING.
• Less Flying between parts of the mission: Why does every mission involve you flying halfway across the map several times?  Put the parts of the mission NEAR each other.
• Fix the Store: The Regulator store where you can buy crafting components has the worst store interface I've ever encountered in a game, ever.  You can only buy things ONE at a time and EVERY purchase involves FOUR screens.  SCREW that.  Here's how a store interface SHOULD work:  click on the item you want.  Select the number you want.  Click buy.  DONE.  Not this Click the item you want, opening a popup window, then HOLD DOWN a key to buy ONE item.  Then you get an animation, and a popup saying "you bought this item!"  THEN you have to click Exit to get back to the buy menu!  WHO came up with this nonsense?!
• Mission Rewards: Give us a couple of options for mission rewards.  Let us choose between coin, a blueprint, a consumable, or a piece of gear, or something.
• Getting Missions: Put all the contract boards right by the Javelins.  It's bloody tedious to walk all the way across Ft. Tarsis to get a new contract, then all the way back to start the new mission.  Every contract board should have THREE OR FOUR new missions available, not ONE AT A TIME.
• More weapon types:  At a minimum, I want to see: Bows, Crossbows, different types of melee weapons (why does each suit only have ONE melee attack option?)  This is a quasi-fantasy setting, so why are the weapons so BORING?!
• Underwater combat:  The underwater areas are just scenery currently.  It's dull.
• The Storm Javelin: This suit needs a re-design.  Oh, your defenses are augmented if you're hovering OUT IN THE OPEN WHERE EVERYTHING CAN HIT YOU.  Brilliant.  No, wait, that's dumb.  Instead, they should have massively augmented defense against all ranged attacks at all times, and be correspondingly vulnerable to ALL melee attacks.  This will encourage hovering while still allowing them to maintain their mobility.  They also should NOT HAVE a melee attack.  They should have a default single-target range attack with a cooldown LIKE melee (that detonates combos), but that doesn't involve them charging into melee.  This would actually succeed in completely differentiating the four suits.  All of their "support" abilities need to have a much shorter cooldown than the support options on other suits, and they should get more support OPTIONS.
• Cross-suit drops: Let us get gear drops for suits other than the one we're currently wearing.
• Text chat in the Launch Bay: The inability to communicate with other players is stifling.  Yeah, I know most games the general chat channel is a cesspit.  That doesn't mean making it impossible for us to communicate AT ALL is an improvement.  You've already arranged it so that there's no economy since we can't trade gear, so why not let us at least chat with A FEW people?  The Launch Bay is bloody pointless as it stands.  It doesn't make getting out on missions any faster.  It doesn't let you meet people, since you can't TALK to them.  It's a completely useless and pointless space.  All you can do is show off your Javelin appearance and do a couple of emotes.

Story

• Quit hiding the lore in the Cortex. Every conversation we have with someone should tell us about the character AND some interesting detail of how the world works.  Not just their PERSONAL interests and philosophy, but how that connects back to the world.  For instance, Prospero.  All he does is have INCREDIBLY dull conversations with you about how painting your Javelin cool colors increases "shock and awe".  This is stupid.  And he talks about the same thing MULTIPLE TIMES.  You don't learn anything new.  It's just a re-worded version of the old conversation.  You know what would be INTERESTING?  If he'd revealed that, due to the fact that your Javelin is TELEPATHICALLY CONTROLLED (using Ember, which reacts to thoughts), feeling good about how you look is CRITICAL to being a Javelin pilot.  The Sentinels, for instance, all look exactly alike because it makes them feel a specific way.  Freelancers go for a bold, exciting look because how it makes them feel actually changes what they can do with their suits.  THAT would be interesting.  It would say something about the world that contains all these machines that are AFFECTED by your MIND.  And, it wouldn't be deadly dull to sit through.
• The world is tiny. It should be the plan RIGHT NOW that you'll release TWO new cities with complete new storylines and exploration zones as big as the current one by the end of the year.  No, not new freeplay events.  ENTIRE NEW ZONES.  They should have different terrain types, different enemies, and TRIPLE the size of the game.  And all cities past Ft. Tarsis should be optional in order, so you can go wherever you like in whatever order you like.  Opening up the world to exploration should be THE top priority.
• Quit treating us like a singular actor.  The gameplay is built around grouping up, so why in the world does the STORY treat us like we're a Lone Hero, only rarely acting in concert with a few NPC friends?  Why do the NPC's all FAWN over us and our personal amazingness instead of treating us like just one of a fairly large and diverse group?  (Or ask us, a random stranger in a discredited profession, to intervene in their personal lives.)  Strange as this may sound, the story would actually be a lot BETTER if it was MORE IMPERSONAL, because it would match the gameplay instead of fighting with it at every turn.  A few personal stories/interactions are fine, but it should be kept to the main story characters.  All other NPC's should be focused around revealing what kind of WORLD you're in instead of their irrelevant personality quirks and irrelevant personal history.
• What is my motivation? Why should I keep playing after I hit level 30 and I've done all the story missions?  Do the same 3 strongholds a billion times?  They were barely interesting the FIRST time I did them.  Get high-level gear?  It's got the same random stats as regular gear, just more of them.  Play with my friends?  My friends don't play this game because it's boring and there's nothing to do.
• PVP.  This game desperately needs some PVP, but, I suggest, NOT the deathmatch PVP that you have in other games.  It needs to be challenge-oriented.  Call it "training".  It should be team-based, like Capture the Flag, but you can also have other variants like, say, a race, a competitive escort mission, Tower Defense (or some kind of "survive the longest against endless spawning enemies" thing), an Easter Egg hunt (find the most Shaper Fragments), a Do the Most Combos in the Time Limit challenge, all that jazz. There's lots of cool competitive stuff you could do that wouldn't involve just dull deathmatches.
• My Own Space: So, in Ft. Tarsis we don't even have an apartment.  Not even a BED.  Do we sleep in our Javelin?  Building and customizing player housing would be very nice, or at least something to do.
• Mini-games.  Playing card games or dice games or SOMETHING.  The aforementioned PVP challenges.  Acquiring Titles that NPC's will recognize.
• Make it so that we can have visible character nicknames instead of just our Origin account names.  Maybe make this something you acquire via various challenges.  A title.  I don't care. I don't appreciate you broadcasting my account username to all and sundry, and it means that most people's names are STUPID.  Being able to acquire a randomly generated visible "nickname" would be VASTLY preferable.  And it'd be something to do to roll the dice a bunch and get one you liked.

Even all this would probably not be enough to keep me playing the game constantly, but it might be enough that I'd at least come back periodically when you released a new zone and play for a week or two.

But, honestly, I kind of expect this game will be a ghost town inside of six months unless they do some seriously huge content releases.

What I Want for Dragon Age 4

So, Bioware finally teased Dragon Age 4, and "tease" is definitely the operative word.  The information content was pretty close to zero.  They did show the Red Lyrium Idol from Dragon Age 2 that drove Bartram and Meredith nuts, so that's kind of interesting.  Meredith had it made into a sword, and it blows up during the end fight.  However, that may not have been the only idol in existence, and according to one Dragon Age wiki, Samson's sword Certainty was supposed to be that same sword, reforged.  (Reforging literal dust is quite a trick, but whatever.)

As an aside, this really further cements the feeling I had that choosing the Mages in Dragon Age: Inquisition was the "canon" path.  The Templar path felt REALLY lackluster and tacked-on, with basically no lead in or in-depth interaction.  The interplay with Dorian, Felix, and Alexius and Alexius' entire corruption and downfall and the interactions with future versions of various characters was STAGGERINGLY better than anything whatsoever that happened on the Templar side, which had MAYBE 1/5 the dialog AND included a TIMED SECTION just to make CERTAIN that you rushed through it as quickly as possible.  Samson is a MUCH better villain with a strong parallel to Cullen's personal plot.  Alexius actually has some idea what's going on, so he sets up the Elder One quite dramatically.  The Templars are clueless, so they can't really set anything up effectively.  In terms of how well the two sides are integrated into the rest of the story, there's just no comparison.  Mages win hands-down.

ANYWAY, I've compiled a list of what I'd like to see them do in Dragon Age 4.  So, I'll just jump right in.

Part 1: Gameplay Features

• The Search mechanic.  I actually liked this feature (or I liked it more than just holding down Tab to highlight everything that you can possibly interact with as far as the eye can see).  So I'm happy enough with them keeping this as a game mechanic.  However, please don't take this as license to have 95% of the quests be scavenger hunts where you go around and collect X number of things again, THANKS.  I'm not opposed to the occasional scavenger hunt.  Things like "take all of the camps" . . . that makes sense.  You're trying to establish control of territory.  Cool.  Exploration markers? Also cool.  Random collectibles scattered around for no damn purpose?  No.  MULTIPLE random collectibles etc.  NO NO NO NO.
• Class-specific obstacles.  These were also okay, in fact, I wouldn't mind seeing them expanded, but for Pete's sake WHY would you have ONLY ONE CLASS (Rogue) have a "upgrade locked" version of the feature?  Mages and Warriors can just Do the Thing, but Rogues have to buy not just one, but TWO upgrades to be able to open all of the locks in the game.  AND IT WASN'T EVEN THAT BIG OF A DEAL.  The only value of this feature was if you're a Super Completionist type who just HAS to open everything.  So, don't lock it behind UPGRADES as well as having the class present in your party.  Or, if you do, have the same scale of upgrades for all three classes.  If you want to go whole-hog and actually try out good game design, you can even have multiple ways to bypass different things, and a (slightly) different result depending on which way you pick!  Such as, if you have a Warrior bash a chest open, it'll destroy potions and ingredients, but if you have a Rogue pick the lock, all the delicate stuff in the chest will be fine. I'd actually be fine with MORE class-specific obstacles (or class-specific approaches) if it meant getting things like stealth, knocking out guards, using magical distractions, etc.
• The War Table was kinda cool, but it was very one-dimensional, and the real-time passage ticker for events to complete was a HUGE DRAG and very bizarre in a game where there's no visible passage of time.  Resources need to be a bit tighter and there need to be more trade-offs involved in the missions.  Choosing some things should cut off other things or leave you super resource-strapped.  In other words, it needs to be more dynamic and interesting.  Also, don't force a return to base to issue new orders.  That's what messengers are for.  If you minimize the number of busywork returns to base, it'll feel like there's more interaction content with your companions and staff, because you won't hear "nothing new to talk about" so dang often.  Constantly leaving areas and coming back also completely screws with your perception of the passage of time.
• The horse was a completely pointless feature.  The areas were (for the most part) too small and too convoluted for it to be fun.  I'd be fine with dropping it altogether.  When people were complaining on the forums about the first two games not having any horses, I'm pretty sure they meant more that they'd like to see some horses around the place, and, say, CUT SCENES where people ride horses or wagons would be cool.  You know, some indication that this society has invented transportation other than just "your feet".  For verisimilitude and stuff.  If you want to keep the horses, you need to make them a full-fledged game feature.  Design areas where horse-riding is, if not required, EXTREMELY DESIRABLE.  Have chase scenes, or high-speed escapes, that sort of thing.  You don't necessarily have to have horseback combat (although this would not be a terrible thing if you have the resources to do a decent job), but integrate it into the game.  Design with horses in mind.  So, say, have open areas in the game that are huge and sprawling but also don't contain much stuff.  Then have narrower areas (caves, canyons, stands of trees, etc.) where you can't really have horses.  Put the fighting and interesting stuff in those areas.  I realize that this means I've basically said "treat the horse like the MAKO from Mass Effect".  Well, I actually liked the MAKO.  I didn't like how empty the planets were, but I did enjoy driving around.  Additionally, if you get rid of the magical teleporting horse-summoning ability, you can have little puzzles where you have to figure out how to get your horses past an obstacle, or leave them here and pick them up on the other side.  Mark them on the map and you don't even have to remember where you left them.
• Design the overland map areas with the idea that you'll go there once, do the ENTIRE MAP, and be DONE.  If you MUST return to a map, make it a NEW VERSION of that map with SIGNIFICANT CHANGES.  Backtracking sucks.
• Enough with the eternal wandering mooks.  It was cool in the Hinterlands where if you cleared out the Mages and Templars, there wouldn't be wandering Mages and Templars.  That was neat.  But you replaced them with bandits and lyrium smugglers.  Let us CLEAR the map, as in NO MORE HOSTILE RANDOM WANDERING CRAP.  This actually makes it feel like you've made progress and accomplished something.  You can fill the map with wandering stuff still, just make it NON-HOSTILE (or not hostile by default, but you still CAN fight it).
• Make the skill trees bigger and more interesting, with actual trade-offs and options.  This is an RPG.  Act like one. Ideally the companions would have their own unique trees so that different possible player builds would rely on multiple playthroughs.  It feels like you've played every class out by the time you've finished the other Dragon Age games.  Also, have a much larger variety of active vs. passive/reactive abilities.  A party-based game where you have to control multiple characters should not be built around highly-active abilities that require you to carefully monitor ONE character in order to use them effectively.
• PUT. ALL. FOUR. COMPANION. HOT. BARS. ON. SCREEN. AT. ONCE.  This crap where you had to switch characters to command a character to do something?  Yeah, that was fine in 1998 when nobody had any clue how to design a damn interface.  Oh, that might be problematic for people who want to use a controller?  Fine.  Make THEM switch characters.  Design a damn PC interface for the PC.
• If you're going to have jumping and falling damage, make the non-controlled characters immune to falling damage. Nothing dumber than you going around a hill only to have your idiot companions path OVER the hill and lose half their health as they dive face-first into a ditch for no reason.
• For crafting: don't tie stats to armor appearance, particularly if there's a very limited number of appearances to choose from.  It's offensive to discover that the only armor you like is too low-level to use effectively later in the game or has a stat loadout that's useless for your build.

Story Features

• Have a damn intro to the game.  Apparently you think having six intros for Dragon Age: Origins absolves you of doing them for subsequent games.  It does not.  And if there's a huge damn explosion to kick things off, DO NOT HAVE IT HAPPEN OFFSCREEN.  There are options between "have a leisurely beginning that takes eight hours to play through" and "plop here's your family, care about them, we're gonna kill one in the next 30 seconds so be prepared to emote" or "we killed a ton of people you've never seen or met before you even got here".
• Don't give the protagonist a supernatural power as the reason why they're the protagonist.  You done did that.  A lot.  As an occasional thing it can be okay, but you've done it too much.
• Remember those "Meanwhile in Denerim" scenes from Dragon Age: Origins?  Either bring those back or have times we TALK to the antagonist(s) without just posturing and making threats.  If you have character interactions that are important and require the player to choose sides, introduce the sides EARLY, CHARACTERIZE them.  Don't just let us talk to them for 3 minutes.  Let us talk to OTHER PEOPLE about them (and NOT just companions).  Set us up with *expectations* long before they show up.  Then you can actually do something INTERESTING like trope subversion or betrayal.  You can't DO that if you don't set things up in advance, so you just get boring scenes where there's no choice but to just take everything at face value.
• USE THE VOICE.  The primary value of a voiced protagonist vs. an unvoiced protagonist is that an unvoiced protagonist is always primarily an outsider, an observer, while the voiced protagonist can inhabit the world that they're in.  They can know things.  They can deliver exposition instead of having to get it all via info-dumps from third parties.  They can be COMPETENT instead of having to always ask other people what to do and to explain what's going on and what's the next step and give me a quest please!  USE that feature.  This also makes it a lot easier to make the protagonist The Leader without giving them a superpower!
• For the love of gravy don't kill the protagonist and bring them back to life in the first 30 minutes of the game.  I mean, this really SHOULD go without saying because this is IDIOTIC, but you've done it in TWO games now (Mass Effect 2 and Mass Effect: Andromeda) so clearly someone thinks this is cool  It's not.  It's stupid.  If you MUST have the protagonist come back from the dead, the time to do this is between Act 2 and Act 3 as in Jade Empire.  And don't give the protagonist amnesia for no good reason.  You've been rapidly and deservedly losing your reputation for good writing.  Stretch yourselves a bit and you might regain some of it.
• Don't have arbitrary either-or alternatives.  Let us at least TRY to have everything, even if it's a disaster.  Especially if it's a disaster.  Also, "A Plague on Both Your Houses" is a fun option, too, and enormously under-used.
• Bigger companion stories are an absolute must.  I don't know if the game is going to be much LIKE Inquisition, but if so, each companion should be tied to the "main plot" in a given overland map.  For an example, take the Emerald Graves.  The main area plot was the conflict between Fairbanks's refugees and the Freemen of the Dales.  SO, one of the companions should KNOW Fairbanks and have at least a little history with him, to pull you into this story.  You could even go so far as to have that same companion have history with the Freemen of the Dales, or a different companion.  This will make these area plots a LOT more interesting, nudge you toward bringing specific companions to the area (although you don't have to), and also flesh out the companions a lot.  It'll also make it easier to design cool areas if you're working from a particular character motif.

That's the basics, anyway.  I could come up with a billion ideas for wild-ass features and so forth, but in general I quite enjoyed Inquisition.  I wish it was much, much better, sure, but I think it's possible to make a good game from the *framework* that was there in Inquisition, instead of having to completely re-create all the game features and how they work together yet again, thus not leaving much time for actually MAKING A GOOD GAME.

Addendum:

If I could really have ANYTHING for Dragon Age 4, instead of horses for getting around (or, perhaps, in addition to horses), I'd say . . . GRIFFONS!

Yes, it's time to ride some griffons (or other flying mounts).  The flying around is a big part of what makes Anthem look cool to me.  Also, griffons are big in the novels, so one griffon could carry your entire party.  This would mean you wouldn't have the horse problem where your party mysteriously vanishes when you're on horseback (or, worse, having to path 4 horses around).  Games like Drakkan: Order of the Flame are really cool with the way they transition from flying to ground questing and back. I haven't played a similar game in FOREVER.

It'd be unique enough that they could sell the game pretty well just on that.

The Incredibles 2

So, for my birthday yesterday I finally got around to watching The Incredibles 2.  Normally, I would have watched it a lot sooner, or even gone to see it in the theater because I generally love Pixar movies.  One of the things that I usually love about Pixar movies is that they are almost never about what I think they're going to be about.  This one was no exception.

The reason why I didn't bother to see this one in the theater is that I saw a lot of mixed reactions claiming that the movie was "a mess" or "just dumb action" or "incoherent".  No one seemed capable of identifying a central premise or theme for the movie, and a lot of people seemed disappointed.

Well, boy, did they ever miss the boat.  This movie is just as tight as The Incredibles, and, in fact, it even forms a perfect symmetry with the first movie, illustrating both halves of a false dichotomy and maintaining a consistent theme between both movies, showing what is ultimately the same theme from different angles.  This is an incredibly rare, almost unheard-of thing for a sequel to do.  Heck, nowadays it's pretty rare for a single, stand-alone movie to have a coherent, identifiable theme that's more complex than "defeat the bad guys".

So, what is the theme?  Why did everyone think that the movie is "a mess" or "incoherent"?

The theme of BOTH movies, articulated, is, "supers are just people".  That's it.  So simple.  Everything in BOTH movies adds up to this, but taken from different angles.

In The Incredibles, superpowers are largely viewed as a bad thing, even shameful, that has to be hidden.  The movie follows a family of superheroes who are in hiding.  They can't be themselves, and they're struggling, depressed, and unhappy because of it.  But, if you look closer, at the type of problems they have, they are just people problems.  Job dissatisfaction.  Trying to keep your family functioning when they're all pulling different directions.  Growing up.  Dating.  Family squabbles.  These are all regular-people problems.  Heck, even when the villain is attacking the city with giant robots, the regular-people problems still take center stage.

In The Incredibles 2, it's the same overall theme, just a new set of problems and a new villain.  The villain, while an emergency situation that does need to be dealt with, is not the centerpiece of the movie.  The family stuff is the center of the movie.  The personal problems.  The stuff of daily life.

This is the inverse of your typical superhero movie, in which the point is, ultimately, always to rise to the challenge of defeating the villain, often at the cost of throwing aside or even rejecting daily life.  It's interesting that in most superhero stories, this manages to (somehow) conveniently wrap up the daily life issues.  Would that work in real life?  Not so much.  "Dropping everything" to go haring off on a mad adventure doesn't pay the bills, and there isn't usually a nice pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to conveniently solve all of your problems.  In the universe of The Incredibles, the real challenge is to confront and surmount the difficulties of daily life.  Only when this is accomplished can the family come together (with friends and allies) to defeat the villain.

The villains in both movies are examples of rejecting the idea that supers are just people.  Both villains commit atrocities trying to one-up supers: Syndrome because he wants to drag supers down, Screenslaver because she thinks that supers are HOLDING everyone ELSE down.  Both of these views are wrong, in the same way and for the same reason.  Supers are just people.

What ultimately makes you a hero or a villain isn't the power you happen to have.  It's the choices you make.

DDO Forum Signature

I made a fun little signature for myself for the DDO forums:

It looks a little weird because it has a transparent background with a black matte so that it looks good on a dark forum background.

Game Design: RPG Economy

So, thought experiment time. How would you go about building a "global economy" in an RPG? I don't mean the typical ridiculous RPG economy where vendors will buy your endless piles of filthy gear over and over for the same price until you could literally buy the entire country with your pocket change. I'm talking the kind of economy where prices fluctuate based on supply and demand. Where there IS "supply and demand".

So, first thing would be just to list out supplies. Have a background process that lists all supplies available in an area and can increment them as new supplies are generated or decrement them as supplies are used. So, in Town X on Day 1 there are 53 healing potions. The town produces 1d3 healing potions per day and uses 1d6 (or whatever numbers you like--you can have them change due to various events etc.) Whatever store(s) sell those potions have, as sales stock, some percentage of the total potion count. So, if there are 72 local potions, the Potion Store stocks, say, 20% of them for sale. (If the player buys the current sale potions out, it re-stocks the next day at the new level. So you could EVENTUALLY buy a place mostly out of potions, but it would take several days--assuming the production vs. use numbers aren't high enough that there remains at least one potion for sale. And use doesn't by any means need to be generally higher than production, in fact, it'd make sense for most places to have slightly higher overall production than use for most goods.

So, you've got basic numbers for generating supply and demand for your locality. Ideally, you'd want to use some kind of sensible numbers, so if there are, say, a lot of farms or gardens locally that produce Potion Ingredients, the production number would be high. The use should be based off population and events. You could write a whole algorithm to generate these numbers automatically, even, by counting all the production nodes in the zone and the people, so your production and population can change dynamically. It's arithmetic, it ain't like computers are BAD at that crap. You can add any bells and whistles you like to this calculation. Maybe guards use more potions, so if there are a lot more guards in this town than usual, the usage is going to go up. Maybe you have a "combinator" calculation in there, so if the town produces 10 wheat (health potion ingredient A) but only 5 mushrooms (health potion ingredient B), that only counts as 5 "potion" nodes. Have a whole formula for determining how many ingredient nodes are assigned to which goods.

Heck, have a dynamic algorithm where if there's a glut in potions and a shortage of pies, all the nodes are calculated toward pie production instead of potion production so pie production temporarily increases but potion production temporarily decreases. Likewise, in a glut, usage increases. Have a "theft" stat and a "damage" stat that decreases production if things are stolen or damaged. Have this increase if the player goes around looting farms and gardens for ingredients or setting them on fire. (This should also be STEALING.) Knock yourself out. There's a limit to the value of this degree of simulation, though, especially when it's only casually witnessed by the player and not terribly transparent. Their only access to this information should be by observing the prices and MAYBE hearing some canned dialog complaining about the potion shortage (although if you have a number of different "goods" types along the lines of Skyrim, this would probably exceed the total amount of other dialog in the game by QUITE A BIT). Besides, if the player is going to have opportunities to get cash by buying low and selling high, make them work for it.

Now you need to implement price change thresholds. To me, it'd make sense to divide these by your population (especially if you want the population to change dynamically at all). So, say, something like this: 0 potions = "desperation". +100% buy price.

less than 3 potions per person = "shortage" +25% buy price, +50% sale price.

3-5 potions per person = "standard". Standard buy and sell prices.

more than 5 potions per person = "glut" -50% buy price, -25% sale price.

More than 8 potions per person = "saturation", -75% buy price, -100% sale price. That's right, the vendors won't give you money for them AT ALL.

The last note is that if you really want this to be interesting, your "cash" needs to be treated as a good like any other. It needs to have a supply rate and a usage rate, gluts and shortages. However, it should probably not be possible to hit 100% saturation with cash. Or, you could just make it that any good with a "luxury" tag, can never hit 100% saturation, so cash, jewelry, high-level weapons and armor, rare books, delicious food, rare wines, etc. However, luxury goods should also have a very low "glut" threshold--or even ALWAYS be considered in "glut", since you don't "need" them. They're luxuries. Use your imagination. However, this is where things start to get a little bit complicated because, of course, if the value of cash can change, that's going to affect ALL OTHER prices. So the actual price of buying any good (with cash) is going to be modified by TWO effects.

Personally, I'd say (particularly if you're doing an RPG and not a full blown trading sim) that you should calculate the cash value and availability in such a way as to grief the player pretty severely. Games already do this sort of thing with the typical "vendors sell at full value and buy at half value" thing. Hey, they gotta make a profit--and by any measure all that stuff you took off of dead bodies that you BLEW UP AND/OR HACKED TO BITS then shoved in your greasy backpack for a month to rattle around with PIES AND DEAD FISH should be in TERRIBLE condition. Any "rural" location should have a VERY low glut threshold for cash. And cities should have enormous invisible banks of cash that isn't normally available but keeps cash prices pretty stable. Plus, that would open the possibility for the player to (literally) rob a bank. You probably also want to divorce "quest rewards" from the economy calculations. So if the players screw up and go broke (or break the economy in some hilarious way), they can always go quest while things even themselves out.

That's the basic outline, but of course you can go much, much further. You can have traders who act to equalize goods levels across different economic zones, like this: Trader Joe walks between Capital City and Port City. When Trader Joe is in Capital City, a calculation runs that determines what good(s) have the greatest price difference per unit between Capital City and Port City. Trader Joe acquires a supply of those goods and takes them to Port City, where he runs the same calculation in reverse. Over time, the traders would act to level out the supply levels between those places. You don't have to have Trader Joe ACTUALLY "buy" and "sell" the goods, just "transport" them from place to place. You could even just run this as calculation and not have real "Traders" at all, but personally I'd think it would be more fun. Plus, again, your player can always attack the traders on the road and steal all their stuff. Or, on the other hand, the player can buy a store, stock it, "hire" someone to operate it and "hire" traders. So, is this sort of thing worth the trouble? That depends on what you're doing, of course, but systems like these do one thing really well--they help maintain interest in playing. Players generally break the economy in an RPG pretty quickly--they can buy not just everything they need, but anything they want. Only there's no point, because they don't need it and there's no benefit to having 3x as many healing potions as you could ever use instead of just 2x as many healing potions as you could ever use. An economy that actually functions dynamically can stave this off for a much longer time while simultaneously adding a whole level of emergent gameplay options. I also think that if you really wanted to go hardcore RPG Economy Sim, you could theoretically create an MMORPG where the economy basically IS the game. Although maybe that's more interesting as a thought experiment than as an actual game.

Wonder Woman

So, I finally got to go see Wonder Woman, and I have to say . . . I didn't really like it.  It had the same problems that other DC movies have had for me.  I think ultimately it all boils down to one issue, though--it's too much like very common forms of anime in a lot of really poor thematic concepts.

Here we have a perfect (or near-perfect) innocent superhuman who has come to pass judgment on all of humanity.  This is already a trite and over-done notion, but then there's no conflict, character arc, or decision to it.  "I come from Utopia to judge you, and, well, you suck, but I'm going to protect you anyway".  Superman vs. General Zod is the same thing all over again as Wonder Woman vs. Ares.

The main character is, effectively, an immortal, indestructible robot.  They're not functionally in any DANGER at any point during the movie, so it's pretty hard to laud their successes.  A person who has nothing to fear cannot be courageous . . . and they certainly don't get any credit for being PREACHY, either.

And "humanity" is meaningless in these movies.  It's just a formless mass for the hero to despise, or love, or save, or whatever, but always, ultimately, passive until the hero (or villain) comes along.  The romance is really meaningless because Steve never manages to articulate any values or exhibit any particular reasons to prefer him over anyone else--in fact, the three sidekicks have FAR more personality and much more deeply exhibited values than Steve Trevor does.  What's Steve Trevor's most exhibited personality trait?  "No, you can't do that.  Nope, that's wrong.  Don't do that.  Nope, you're embarrassing me.  Nope, bad idea."  Maybe he's supposed to be some kind of voice of prudence, but the writing of his part is so inarticulate that he actually comes across more like a twitchy teenager.  In the hands of a competent writer, he could have had a powerful character arc from "haha, I'm not going to get involved, not my fight" to, at the end, actually being the one to come up with the crazy plan to save the day.  Instead, he flops back and forth between worldly semi-virtue and being a flapping, useless duenna.

The real way it's like anime, though, was in the final climactic moment when Wonder Woman defeats Ares.  How does she defeat him?  Does she realize something important about herself?  Not really.  Does she discover something about Ares?  No.  So how does she win?

She does the anime thing and concentrates HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE and wins.  Yay!

This is pure magical thinking.  It is dull and meaningless.

And, honestly, it would have been much, much better if Diana had crushed Dr. Maru like a bug.  No, seriously.  That at least would have been a shocking moment of re-evaluation.

On the Slippery Slope

Slippery slope, as most people with any passing interest in logic generally know, is a logical fallacy.  It typically takes the form of a claim something like this:

Me:  "Oo, I think I'm going to have some chocolate.  It looks yummy!"
Someone else:  "Are you crazy?!  Chocolate makes you fat.  If you chocolate, you're going to get fatter and fatter until you die!"

What's wrong with this, and what makes it a logical fallacy, is that having a few chocolates doesn't require the consumption of yet more chocolates.  There's no magical force behind eating a chocolate that is going to possess my body and make me continue eating chocolate until I die.  Philosophically, this would be referred to as "necessity".  Chocolates don't necessitate more chocolates, so the argument is invalid.

This seems simple enough, no?  So why do people keep using "slippery slope" arguments?  You see them everywhere.  "If you let people get away with small transgressions, they're going to start making larger transgressions."  "If you inflate the currency, the spending is going to run away."  It's a logical fallacy, so why do people think that this sort of warning has any validity?

It's because there is a correct context in which the form of the "slippery slope" argument (that X leads to more X) is a valid one.  It never becomes logical in the sense that X necessitates more X.  It remains true that if people do X, they can still turn away from X at any time.  This is, in fact, the fundamental axiom of volition.  So how can this argument ever be valid?

It's valid, precisely because people have free will, that is, their minds don't operate automatically.  They can make choices.  This means that people need guidance on how to make choices, so that those choices actually lead them to what they want.  They need to adopt some method of operation, if they want that operation to take them anywhere.  The name for that method is principles.  Everyone adopts some principles, even if they insist that they don't and just do "whatever they feel like".  Doing "whatever you feel like" doing IS a principle, albeit an ultimately self-destructive one.  That's a side issue, for now, though. The important point is that in human thought, some principle or set of principles is always involved.

To adopt a principle doesn't just mean to sit there and dwell on it.  They are guides to accomplishing a goal.  To adopt a principle means to act on it.  And not just once, but all the time.  Consistently.  If I don't act consistently on any principle, I can't be said to have that principle at all.  It's not the same thing as being perfect--people can and do fail to carry out their principles, but on balance, they would have to act on it far more often than not in order for anyone to say that they adopt a given principle.

A principle, once adopted by a person, leads them in a consistent direction.  Their actions, taken under that principle, are pointed at a specific goal.  The more consistent they are, the more direct their course to that goal.  This is where you can begin to see the connection with the concept of a "slippery slope", of X leading to more X.  It's not that they've lost their volition somehow, it's that they've lined up their faculties behind this principle because they are using it to lead them to their chosen goal.  So, if they're doing X because their principle is to do X, you can safely predict that more X is definitely in the future.  In the absence of a change of principle, more X is on the way.

So, if you see a person or group adopting a principle to do X, you CAN make rational assertions about what is on the way.  And shouting "that's a slippery slope argument!" doesn't negate the truth of these statements in any way unless you can provide evidence of either a change in principle or how that principle doesn't lead in that direction after all.

Judgment-free Zone

I find the occasional requests I get from people to "not hate" or "not judge" on their comments when I disagree with them to be weirdly ironic.

I don't try to silence the opposition.  I fully support your right to say whatever you damn well please.  When you say "don't hate" or "don't judge", YOU are trying to silence ME.  You are telling me, flat out, that my opinion isn't welcome here and I should just SHUT UP.

I find that hateful in the extreme.  Disagreeing with you is not telling you to shut up.  I expect you to return the favor instead of being a disingenuous hypocrite.  The double standard involved here is huge, glaring, and ugly, and points out the enormous inherent contradiction in nihilist thought--otherwise known as "multiculturalism" or "egalitarianism".

The foundation of this view, epistemologically, is the belief that nobody can really KNOW what is true or false.  Thus, all ideas are equally valid.  Thus one "shouldn't judge" and disagreement is "hate".  "Tolerance" is the only virtue.  Tolerance, that is, of any viewpoint EXCEPT disagreement!  He who rejects disagreement as "intolerant" is BEING "intolerant".

How anyone could square this with themselves I do not know, but I see it everywhere.  "Nobody can know who's wrong or right--except I'm right and you're wrong so you should just shut up."  Well, if NOBODY can know, how do YOU know?

No, Obama Didn't "Off" Scalia, and Shut Up About It Already

I've seen some people speculating on this, so I just have to say this:

No.  No he did not.  And stop being a dumbass.

There's zero logic in even speculating about this.  "Oh, there could be a cover-up!"  Do you have any EVIDENCE that there was a cover-up?  Lack of information is not evidence FOR something.  It's just a lack of information, probably because Scalia's friends and family don't want a giant media circus over his death, which, from the very first report, was pretty evidently going to happen.

But, by speculating that there "might be a cover-up", you're declaring two mutually exclusive and thus stupid things.

1.) Obama (or his staff) is smart enough to have a major public figure assassinated AND cover it up, BUT . . .

2.) He was too stupid to do it at the beginning of his first term when he'd be guaranteed to be able to appoint Scalia's replacement.

THINK about that for a second.  If you're going to off someone and then cover it up, the DUMBEST POSSIBLE TIME to do that would be to time it during a hotly-contested election campaign when it's INEVITABLY going to be come the Story Of The Year.  The point of a cover up is that you DON'T want the entire friggin country breathing down your neck while you're trying to bury the evidence.

Use some friggin sense, people.

Are all anti-vaxxers this dumb?

Isn't there some sort of tenet that if you're going to write something intended to be convincing, you have to actually address the REAL arguments put forth by your opposition?  Ran across this today.

This is not a description of what "herd immunity" means or how it works.  The idea behind "herd immunity" is not that it'll prevent anyone from ever getting the disease.  The point is to prevent the disease from becoming an *epidemic* by spreading rampantly from one person to another.  And this is precisely what the article fails to address.  It is the limitation of vectors for contagion that is important, not whether any given individual will or will not come down with symptoms.

There are exceptions--there's no "herd immunity" to tetanus, for instance, because you get that from dirt.  Short of sterilizing all the dirt on the planet it's highly unlikely that any amount of tetanus vaccination would have any real effect on the vector of this disease.

But Influenza, Measles, Mumps . . . you get those from *other people* (or animals, some of them).  If you never come into contact with someone who has one of these illnesses, you don't get them.  That's what herd immunity is and how it works.  It doesn't make populations "immune" to the disease.  It simply strips away most disease vectors for crowd diseases.  If there is an outbreak, it's not going to sweep the country and kill 20 million people.

Not that I think everyone should just blindly vaccinate.  For instance, the latest CDC recommendations include giving Hepatitis B vaccinations to young children.  Why?  You don't really need a Hep B vaccination unless you're going to be dealing with other peoples' bodily fluids on a regular basis, like a nurse or other medical professional.  Most kids don't need this.  And, yes, reactions do happen.  Vaccines are incredibly safe, but this isn't much comfort if you're that 1 out of 120,000.

Getting Government Out Of Marriage

Okay, people, let's clear something up.

In the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage, a lot of people have started yelling mindlessly to "get government out of marriage".  They then start accusing people who want government recognition of their marriage of being "statists" who "worship the state" and want "government approval" of everything they do.  Why can't they just have their own little private agreement and leave everybody else out of it!

Uh, hold on a second there, Pongo.  That is NOT what it means to "get government out of marriage".  Marriage is a type of contractual relationship.  In fact, it establishes a new familial relationship between you and your spouse.  This is a complex maneuver that can radically affect things like who gets custody of children, who gets power of attorney if you're incapacitated, who inherits your stuff, etc.  These are all potential major disputes that have to be arbitrated by the big giant arbitrator of disputes--the government!  You can't get government out of marriage in THIS way . . . because that actually means violating people's right to contract!  A contract that the government doesn't recognize as valid is no contract at all.  It cannot be enforced when it comes to a dispute.  What happens to your kids if you die and your spouse doesn't have automatic custody?  Do they go into foster care?  Does some random relative you may not even know (who might even be a sex offender) become the default?  No.  So it IS necessary for the government to recognize marriages.  Official legal recognition of contracts is one of the PROPER functions of government.  You are not a "statist" for desiring this.

Getting government out of marriage means that the government shouldn't be deciding who CAN get married.  If people are of age to legally contract, they should be free to engage in any form of legal contract, marriage being one.  This is their absolute right.  They should not have to seek a license or legal permission from the government.  The government's sole involvement should be in rubber-stamping the contract to say "this is an officially recognized contract and must be upheld under the law".  That's it.  Denying people access to that rubber stamp is NOT equivalent to saying "you can do whatever you want".  It is actually violating their right to free action, because any yahoo can come along and dispute their action until they have a legally recognized contract.  It is no different than forbidding people to form an LLC because their income is under $50,000 per year, or refusing someone a CPA license because they're black.  The government shouldn't be in the business of ALLOWING people to contract or LICENSING them to contract.  But it is part of the government's legitimate job to GUARANTEE people's contracts--whatever they are, as long as the nature of the contract violates nobody's rights.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

People have been saying a lot about this latest Marvel Cinematic Universe movie, not much of it very coherent.  But then, the movie itself on first viewing is a bit incoherent.  On second viewing, though, I find that my opinion has solidified:

This is a great work of art.

Oh, I know what people will say.  It's cinematically flawed.  The bad guy is bizarre, his motivations unclear, messy, poorly characterized.  There's too much going on.  It just flies at you out of nowhere.  It's just a bunch of meaningless action scenes.  But that is what makes it great.  Because that is what the movie is about.  The mess isn't random.

Avengers: Age of Ultron is about mess.  About the unknown, impermanence, the inevitability of failure and death.  And fighting anyway.  Risking anyway.  Embracing life anyway, knowing not just that it may go wrong but that it will go wrong.  That there are no perfect answers, no ultimate solutions, that trouble will always come 'round again.  Yet this is no excuse not to live, or to declare the whole thing not good enough and set out to smash it all.

Ultron had one thing right . . . destruction is perfect.  It is pure.  It is the only thing that is.  And if purity and perfection are your standards, your goal, your "peace in my time" . . . then destruction is your only aim.  The only realm in which evil can never happen is one in which nothing can happen.

To embrace life fully means not just to embrace happiness, but to embrace pain.  To embrace the inevitability of death, of failure.  You can call them your enemy, you can fight them with every part of you, but you must embrace that they exist and can never be escaped.  Only by embracing their existence can you conquer them and have a chance at creating something that is majestic, glorious, transformative in its very messiness.

Like this movie.

It may not be everyone's cup of tea.  But it's a great work of art.

Skull and Shackles Session 57: Final Boss Fight

Two boatswain's mates on the main deck moved toward the main mast.  A charau-ka, an ape-like humanoid, readied a bomb while the more ordinary sailors cleared the deck, wanting to be as far away from the fighting as possible.  The sniper in front of Chopper dropped her rifle.  "I'm no match for you," she said.  "I serve the Gunworks of the Grand Duchy of Alkenstar, and I offer you the secrets of my trade in exchange for my life."

Arrows peppered the other sniper atop the second mast, most striking the wood but one eliciting a cry of pain.  Feruzi yelled as the bomb hit her, enveloping her in flames.  The air went cold and a pair of unearthly monstrosities appeared beside Reiko.  Chopper jumped from the tower to assist Reiko in fighting off the daemons.

Ezikial blasted the charau-ka alchemist to gibbly little bits, then finished off the boatswain's mates that were now menacing Feruzi.  One piscodaemon expired noisily under Reiko's sword, and the other wasn't looking so hot.  Then a spell hit Leila and she fell to the deck, stone dead.

Chopper screamed, charging toward the poop deck.  "There!" Ezikial yelled as something hissed angrily and the door to the captain's cabin flew open, revealing Bonefist in all his glory.  Or lack thereof.  Sandara threw a spell across the deck that purged the invisibility, revealing a tall woman with the lower body of a snake.  She whirled her scimitars and attacked.  Chopper was more than happy to return the favor, hacking wildly with his axes while Feruzi lined up a shot, piercing lamia through the chest.

"Your witch is dead and your crew has abandoned you, Bonefist!" Reiko shouted.  "You have no one left to fight for you.  Give up now and step down."

"I ain't forsakin' my throne fer the likes o YE."

"That's a shame," Reiko said, attacking with her katana.  Bonefist was blindingly fast with his rapier, fending her off despite his wounds.  He backed away, almost running into Chopper, who had jumped down the stairs behind him.

"Stand down, Reiko," Chopper said.  "This one . . . er, the REST of this one is mine."

"You still have the opportunity to surrender," Reiko said.

"NEVER!"  A bullet tore Bonefist's ear off.  Chopper shrugged, and buried his axe in the former Pirate King's skull.  He then turned away, looking sadly at Leila's body.

"I'll, uh, start prayin' for her," Sandara said.  "Once ye make sure this area is secure.  And find that treasure vault . . . you need that to impress the other pirate captains, an' all." 

"There will be time for that.  We see to Leila first."

A full exploration of the sea caves revealed no more opposition and, yes, quite an impressive treasure room.  After a night's rest, Sandara was able to raise Leila from the dead.  The delighted Chopper hugged Sandara, with instructions to transfer it to Leila.

"You big soppy," Feruzi said fondly.

"Summon tell Fishguts to quit choppin' onions," Chopper blubbered.

"So, your Majesty, what's your plan?" Feruzi asked.

"Guess I should get coronated.  Something, something, drink heavily, something, something, see about easing up on Sargavan tarriffs."

"I'm sure your mother will be thrilled.  You going to invite her to the coronation?"

Chopper suddenly looked pensive.  "I guess I might as well."

"I could handle that for you . . . I'm sure Merrill would like a nice, long, relaxing, UNEVENTFUL trip."

"Aye, fer once," Sandara said.

"And then we can see about getting you a PERMANENT wife."

Chopper raised an eyebrow at that.  "Let's go provide the Council with the proof of our deeds and leave nonsense topics tabled forever."

"He's still got the better part of a year to go with his current Missus, anyway," Reiko chimed in.

"Bah, with him it'll take months even if I start looking now," Feruzi said.  "Picky, picky, picky.  I'll have to get his mother to help.  She doesn't put up with him."

"Look here, you lot, I'm the bleedin' Hurricane King.  I'll not be henpecked by ye."

Feruzi snorted.  "Keep dreaming."

Sandara and Leila giggled.

"And after that, Reiko," Feruzi continued in a burst of extravagance.

"No," Reiko said.

Skull and Shackles Session 56: Number Two

The door to the next room opened, revealing Tsadok Goldtooth, who fired his pistol at Chopper.  "I told you that you should have let me fish him!" Feruzi said as Ezikial returned fire.

"Fish?" Chopper asked, baffled.  A dwarf boatswain appeared beside the half-orc and launched himself on Chopper, pinning him down while a second dwarf ran up and began punching the Captain about the stomach.  Feruzi skewered one dwarf with arrows while Reiko surgically removed the other.  Sandara threw an ice storm at Goldtooth, who swung his falchion at Ezikial, who took a serious wound for, probably, the tenth time today.  Any more of this and they'd be taking him back to the Crisis in a box.  Reiko intercepted Goldtooth's next attack and treated him as she treated all opponents.

"Doesn't matter," the half-orc sputtered.  "The King'll kill you all."

"I bet fish looks like the nice option now," Feruzi said.

"What is it with you and the fish?" Chopper demanded.  "Seriously."

"What is it with you and the senile old-man memory?"

"'E's an old man," Sandara said brightly, mending their wounds."

"I hate you all."

"This is not news, Captain," Ezikial said.

"If he started liking us I'd be worried we weren't doing our jobs well enough."

The next room in the tower was a dining hall, dominated by a large table of polished teak and an ornately carved-high backed captain's chair.

"I vote we use the chair as a battering ram on . . . something that needs battering," Chopper said.  "Just for spite."  Ezikial pulled Bonefist's banner down from the wall.

"I vote we don't," Reiko said.  "It's a nice and probably expensive chair."

They left the tower, now empty of enemies, and headed for the docked ship, the Filthy Lucre.  An exquisitely painted figurehead of a beautiful, bare-breasted woman rose from the ship's prow.  Feruzi cast a spell of invisibility over them and they crept aboard the ship, apparently unnoticed.  Chopper began climbing the rigging to the crow's nest, where a sniper was watching the pier.  "Ahoy," Chopper announced, and gave her a violent shove. 

Skull and Shackles Session 55: Sushi Buffet

Chopper whooped in delight as the undead dragon eyeballed their tiny craft.  "I know, I know," he grumbled.  "You lot won't let me keep it."  The dragon's head whipped around and it snapped at Ezikial, almost throwing him out of the boat and delivering a powerful electrical shock at the same time.  Its wings whomped down, battering everyone severely.

"Bloody 'ells!" Sandara yelled.  A series of loud cracking noises indicated that somewhere under there Ezikial was doing his best to turn the undead dragon into puree.  Reiko bellowed and swung her katana, the blade cleaving into the dragon's neck and, amazingly, severing it.  It promptly exploded, giving everyone a nasty dose of electricity as the remains of the skeleton sank into the water.  Sandara waved her hands over the scorched group.

"Not sure how much longer I kin keep this up," she said.

"We 'preciate yer efforts," Chopper told her.

"We do have some potions to help . . . I think," Reiko added.  On the far shore, an alarm bell began to ring.

"I suppose they noticed us," Leila sighed.

"We've knocked, we may as well go in," Ezikial said.  He clambered out of the jollyhatboat and kicked in the door to the bastion.  The guardpost was lit by a smoky oil lamp.  Four big fellows with a patchwork of brown and blue-gray markings on their skin charged, becoming shark-like monstrosities as they moved.

"Are those contagious?" Feruzi asked, incredulous.  "Because they look contagious."

"Maybe you shouldn't let yourself get bit then, just to be on the safe side," Reiko told her.

"Yeah, I couldn't manage being that ugly."

"But you can handle being . . . scaly.  Right then."

Leila fired her bow at one of the weresharks, but the monster just lacked.  "I have silver arrows in my quiver for just such an emergency," Feruzi told her, firing her own volley at the monsters. 

The other door to the room flew open and an even bigger, MUCH angrier shark charged in, making a beeline for Chopper, grabbing him by the legs and swinging him through the air.  Chopper's delighted "whee!" turned into an "ouch!" as his head collided with Reiko's shoulder.

"Seriously?!" Reiko demanded, going after the shark boss with her katana.  Ezikial cut loose with the shooting and very shortly there was nothing left but a bunch of sashimi and some leftover enormous crescent-shaped bite marks.  Sandara shook her head as she summoned more healing magic.

"So how many more guards do you think Bonefist has in this little secret lair?" Feruzi asked.

"More'n three," Chopper grunted.  They left the bastion and crossed a patch of sandy beach toward what appeared to be a small fortress with familiar ship anchored nearby.  The boom of a cannon sounded and Reiko disappeared in a blast of sand.

"Er, you forgot to duck," Feruzi said as Reiko staggered muzzily to her feet.

"STOP WASTING MY CANNONBALLS!" Ezikial yelled, shaking his fist at the cannon tower.  They charged into the tower, encountering another group of weresharks and some human guards resulting in, yes, yet another furious battle, from which they emerged victorious.

Skull and Shackles Session 54: It's a Trap

Sandara's magic got Chopper and Ezikial back on their feet, but Ezikial was left with a broad scar on his face.  "I canna seem t' mend it wi' the magics I 'ave," Sandara said.  "Yer face just gonna be ugly fer a while."

"Uglier than it already was?" Feruzi asked.  Sandara grinned.  "Well, shall we move on?" Feruzi asked.  Chopper nodded.

"Let's."

The stone doors opened into an octagonal room with another pair of identical doors across from them.  Leila froze as they crossed the floor.  "Wait," she called.  "The whole floor is trapped."  The doors behind them slammed closed and locked with an audible clack.

"Why does this not surprise me?" Reiko asked.  She ducked as crossbow bolts flew out of concealed arrow slits.  Whirling blades sprang up around them.  Ezikial sprang over a saw that would do a lumber mill proud and raced toward the opposite door, grunting a few times in pain.  Feruzi climbed up a wall and joined him by crossing the ceiling.  The snipers continued to fire.

"It's almost like they were expecting us," Reiko grunted, pulling a bolt out of her armor.  Chopper sprinted across the room, slamming into the doors and flattening himself but not impressing the stone very much.

"Let me get that, Captain," Ezikial said, and blasted the lock mechanism with his pistol.  Leila pulled a piece of junk metal out of her pack and threw it into the whirling blades, where it wedged, eliciting a truly fantastic medley of screeching and grinding noises, followed by a ground-shaking bang as the machinery tore itself apart.  Reiko crossed the room in a more leisurely fashion and heaved the doors open, revealing another room pretty much identical to the one they were standing in.  Feruzi cautiously stepped forward, triggering a second trap that slammed the doors shut and doused everything liberally with gouts of fire.  There was a lot of scurrying behind the walls and the helpful addition of yet more crossbow bolts.

Chopper pushed past Feruzi and repeated his door-charging trick, with equally unimpressive results.  Ezikial pulled grenades off his belt and tossed them into an arrow slit.  He then sat down, bleeding profusely from a pair of crossbow bolts in his chest.  The blast shook the room and produced a hail of earth and chips of stone, revealing two shocked elven snipers.  Reiko charged them while Sandara once again rushed in to prevent Ezikial from dying.  The space behind the walls resounded with shrieks and groans as Reiko dealt out retribution to the snipers.  Chopper finally managed to get the far doors open, revealing side passages that led behind the arrow slits.

"That was my fookin' gunner!" he snarled, laying into the retreating snipers with his axes.  Another explosion shook the room as Leila detonated the reservoir of alchemical fire powering the jets.  Soon it was over, aside from the usual magical cleanup of injuries sustained.

"I am out of grenades, Captain," Ezikial reported sadly.  "Fortunately I found this ring of keys."

"That might make it easier to get through the doors," Reiko said.

Past the trap, they found another long, dank tunnel that opened into a wider cave where a thin strip of beach bordered a wide expanse of dark water.  Sounds of surf echoed in the distance.  A wooden pier extended into the water.  Far across the cave a faint light shone from the window of a building standing next to a similar pier.  Sandara pulled her hat off and tossed it into the water, where it became a jollyboat. 

"Unless summon else has a boat," she said, winking.

"Not on me, no," Chopper said.

"I don't suppose your pipe turns into an oar?" Leila asked.

"Nope.  Reckon it'll be slow going, but it beats swimmin."

They jury-rigged some bits of wood together and set out.  The water was still and cold.  Chopper peered overboard, discovering an immense heap of bones at the bottom of the cove.  "Hmm, whale bones?" he asked.  Feruzi looked over and winced.

"Those are dragon bones."  Predictably, they began to stir, assembling into the shape of a dragon that reared up in front of their wobbly little boat.

Skull and Shackles Session 53: BOOM

The Crisis surreptitiously--well, as surreptitiously as a ship could manage, anway--docked at Lucrehold an hour or so after sundown.  Several warehouses stood on the island's southwest corner, along with outbuildings filled with apparatus for making olive oil.  Harrigan's notes indicated that the secret entrance was hidden beneath a tun in one of the warehouses.

"I think it's this one," Feruzi said, turning the map around and squinting.  "Or . . . maybe that one."

A quick reconnoiter of the warehouse revealed two entrances: a wide set of double doors, probably for wagons, and a side door for pedestrian traffic.  Both appeared to be locked, but neither were obviously guarded.

"So, any witchcraft about?"  Chopper asked.  Feruzi rolled her eyes but cast a spell to reveal magical auras.  None were in evidence.  "I'm inclined to kick down the big doors," Chopper continued, "but I assume I'll be vetoed, so let's just go the other way."

Leila unlocked the door.  It was dark and quiet inside.  Chopper peered into the room nearest the door, discovering numerous dusty scrolls and ledger books.  "Witch room," he whispered.  "Or, you know, accounts payable.  One o' those."  The next door opened into a long room divided into stalls by low wooden walls, perfect for taking cover should any shooting be required.  Large barrels and ceramic amphorae were stacked within the stalls, filling the air with the smell of oil, wine, and beer.  Following Harrigan's notes, they located their specific tun of rum in the easternmost stall.

Feruzi stared at it in horror.  "We can just move it, right?  We don't have to drink it?"

"Er, we don't HAVE to," Chopper said uncertainly, looking at Ezikial.

"This much rum, even he might not survive," Reiko said.  "I know that's not putting much faith in his drinking abilities, but still . . ."

"I could go get Rosie and Grok," Leila said.

"Is it possible for a man to die of happiness?" Chopper asked.  "Surely there's some sort of hidden catch hereabouts.  Or a handcart."  Searching around revealed nothing.  Shrugging, Chopper hefted his axe and laid into the barrel, chopping a hole and letting the rum pour out.  Sandara grabbed a mug, filled it, and passed it to Ezikial, then filled one for herself.  With the barrel mostly empty, they were able to heave it aside, revealing a trap door that opened on a rusting iron ladder descending into a rough-hewn tunnel that ran north and east and terminated in a dank room.  A stone statue depicting Besmara stood in an alcove.  It was once painted in bright, gaudy colors, but most of the pigment had flaked off, revealing green stone.  Blue-green flames danced along the statue's sculpted hair.

Moving on, they discovered a number of vaults--some with niches in the walls that turned them into crypts.  The floor had subsided, allowing a pool of dark water to form.  Four barnacle-enrusted corpses with glowing red eyes rose out of the water as they approached.  Mist seemed to rise from them, obscuring the room.  Chopper cursed and a great deal of flailing about ensued, ending with the draugr sent to their final final rest and Chopper rather scratched up and disarranged.  Sandara helpfully cast some healing spells to restore his equilibrium and remove the after affects of too much undead mauling.

The traditional post-combat wrap up revealed a secret door in one of the burial niches, leading into another long tunnel leading north and east.  This one ended in a small, damp cave, this one laid out like a hall of sorts, with evenly spaced torches filling the place with disturbing shadows.  A collection of jagged metal heaved itself upright, extending an arm that ended in an enormous cannon barrel.

"Hello, my lovely!" Ezikial announced, charging forward.  The cannon boomed and Ezikial went flying through the air, landing flat on his back, covered in blood.  "Chopper!" he said indistinctly.  "I simply MUST have one!"

"What, am I going to deny you a pet?" Chopper demanded as Reiko charged past him to engage the golem.  Her katana blade scraped along the creature's chassis, leaving a surprisingly massive dent and knocking loose what might have been several vital parts.  The cannon golem sputtered and clanked ominously as it switched targets, winding up for another blast.

Chopper threw an axe at the golem, drawing its attention.  He grabbed his crotch suggestively.  "Oy, fullmetal ugly!  Suck my nuts and bolts!"  Strangely, the golem seemed to find this insulting.  It gave a metallic-sounding screech and headed toward Chopper while Sandara frantically tried to heal Ezikial.  Another boom and Chopper was flat on the ground.

A hail of bullets hit the golem, causing its torso to drop free of its legs with a horrible grinding noise.  The top half tried to pull itself along, then fell to the floor as the alchemical magic powering it faded.

"Well," Reiko said as Sandara scrambled after Chopper, "If they didn't know we were here before, they do now."

Skull and Shackles Interlude: Domination

The Thumbscrew screamed like a tortured man as it sank.  Massive grapnels clutched at her hull and tore the ship to pieces.  It was an operation Captain Pegsworthy had never seen before, but it was frightfully effective against the smaller vessels of the Shackles fleet.  Beside him aboard the Bonaventure, Labella Loor was scanning the battle, trying to figure out which ship was spearheading the attack.

"It's the Dominator," she said, lowering the spyglass.  "She's going after the Kitsune next, Captain.  You want I should signal the Crisis?"

"Chopper needs to deal with the Chelish flagship.  We'll handle this ourselves."

"You don't think we're a little outmatched in this case?"

"And we've never been outmatched before?" Pegsworthy admonished.

"Aye, aye, Captain."  Labella shouted orders to the helm and riggers.  Below them, at the rail, Renvel picked up a grappling hook as he and his assault crew readied themselves.

The method behind the Dominator's attack became obvious as the Bonaventure drew nearer.  The grapnels--massive metal spears with retracting arms and lengths of heavy cable attached to them--were fired from a ballista.  The spear point would hit a ship below the waterline and penetrate the hull.  The drag of the cable would cause the arms to extend, anchoring the spear in the hull.  At the other end of the cable was a simple stone, probably in the neighborhood of a hundred pounds.  The stones must have some magical preparation, though--when they were thrown overboard they sank at a truly alarming rate, one stone acting as a powerful anchor, two ripping massive holes in the ship or even tearing it to pieces like the unfortunate Thumbscrew.  The cables were underwater and very difficult to reach.  Kitsune was already heeled over as one grapnel dragged at her.

Bolts of the more ordinary variety peppered the Bonaventure as she came into range, tearing the rigging and doing some damage to the forecastle.  Renvel's men launched their hooks, a few finding purchase on the Dominator.  Then the Bonaventure was suddenly awash with Chelish marines. Apparently, they weren't interested in waiting to be boarded.  Renvel's men fell back from the surprise assault.  In seconds, they were struggling to protect their own ship.

"You should have had the wit to stay away, Merrill!" someone bellowed.  Pegsworthy glanced away from the two marines attacking him and almost got an axe to the face for his trouble.  "Back off!" the interloper growled.  "He's mine!"

The marines obeyed and Pegsworthy found himself staring at a familiar face.  "Carson?  What--and I use the term advisedly--what in the HELLS are you doing here?!"

"A man has to eat, doesn't he?" Carson said, waving a hand in an insouciant gesture.  "Besides, House Thrune is taking over this place.  Lots of opportunities for a man to get in on the ground floor, so to speak."

"They're devil-worshippers.  Slavers."

"Oh, they're not so bad once you get to know them.  Besides, you're hardly one to talk."

"I have NEVER run slaves."

"Enough, old man.  Fight or I'll cut you down where you stand."

Behind and above Carson, the massive windlass on the Dominator's grapnel ballista had finished winding.  The crew officer snapped the trigger-hook into place and disengaged the winding mechanism.  "I don't have time for you," Pegsworthy said and ducked under Carson's too-wild swing.  Pegsworthy grabbed an unattended rope and swung over the narrow gap between the ships, landing awkwardly on the Dominator's poop deck.  The grapnel crew swore at him and drew their weapons,  but they were too late to stop him from hurling himself at the swivel lock.  It came loose just as the crew officer hauled on the trigger lever.  The ballista heaved, almost taking Pegsworthy's arm off, and the bolt crashed against the guide, firing uselessly almost straight up and splashing into the water less than thirty feet from the deck of the Dominator.

"Tatsume, you owe me," Pegsworthy grunted, getting a grip on his greatsword adn turning to fend off the ballista crew.  He was completely isolated.  His own crew were still busy clearing the deck of the Bonaventure.  By the sound of the shouting, more Chelish marines were on their way.  If he ran, the ballista crew would skewer him.  The only option was to dispatch these five and make a stand for it here, hoping his own crew would arrive before a lucky arrow or bullet took him down.

The Chelish crew officer had other ideas.  "Surrender!" she demanded.

"Oh, I don't think so," Pegsworthy said, somewhat absently as he weighed up the odds.

"You're surrounded, fool.  Surrender!"

"So you can sacrifice me to your patrons?  No, thank you.  I'm not THAT stupid."

"Fine then.  Kill him."

The first crewman shifted, uncertain, and Pegsworthy darted forward, ripping a long gash in the man's thigh with the tip of his greatsword.  The second crewman attempted to stab Pegsworthy in the back and got a face full of pommel for his trouble.  Spitting blood and broken teeth, he collapsed.  People always thought that big swords were slow and clumsy.  They didn't realize the reach and leverage it gave.  No need to make awkward, sweeping attacks like you were trying to chop down a tree.  Two down, three more to go.  He deflected a blade, ducked under a second, and grimaced as a sharp pain bit into his arm.  A short bolt, almost a dart, had neatly penetrated the chainmail and sunk into the muscle.  Almost immediately his arm began to go numb.

"Gods damn all Chelish poisoners!" he swore as the crew officer smirked and lowered her hand crossbow.  "I am so"--he took of the third man's head--"bloody sick of your wretched"--a quick exchange and he disarmed the fourth and laid the man's gut open--"CHEATING!"  Pegsworthy panted, struggling to ignore the alternating sensations of freezing and burning that were beginning to creep across his chest.  "Even one-legged and alone I'm still worth four of you."

"Too bad there's five of us," the crew officer sneered, raising her blade.

"He's MINE!" Carson bellowed, charging up.

"Oh, hello again," Pegsworthy said.  "A bit slow, aren't you?"

"Well look at you, barely able to stand.  I'm going to enjoy this."

"Better hurry, then," Pegsworthy told him.  His good leg buckled and he fell to one knee.  The crew officer sheathed her sword and turned to her ballista.  Carson grabbed a handful of Pegsworthy's chainmail and hauled him down to the main deck.

"I think I'll cut off your other leg.  For balance.  Then your hands."

"I don't think my wife will like that very much."

"Maybe I'll look her up when this is all over.  I bet she and her sister would make great concubines.  Maybe I'll even leave you alive, so you can watch.  How about that?"

"You know," Pegsworthy gasped, "you really are a complete and utter scumbag.  In a way, it's kind of liberating."

"Liberating?"

"Because now I don't have to waste time wondering, what would Carson think?  I always thought of you like some kind of martyr.  It's amazing how wrong you can be about someone."

Carson bared his teeth.  "I think I'll cut off your balls, too . . ."

"Trouble, Captain?"

Carson jumped and glanced over his shoulder.  Pegsworthy essayed a wave, but his arm just flopped uselessly.

"Hello, Markuss.

"Is this your rescue, Merrill?  It's not even armed.  I really didn't expect it to be THIS easy."

"Captain?" Pinch persisted, still pressing toward them.

"Just go, Markuss.  I know you don't fight.  It's not worth you dying."

"Who said anything about dying?" the quartermaster asked.  He removed his smoked spectacles, revealing alien slit-pupiled eyes that seemed to glow.  Carson swung and, almost idly, Pinch caught his wrist in one frail-looking, long-fingered hand.  Carson's eyes widened in shock as Pinch casually disarmed him, wrenching the sword from Carson's grip.

"I'll not suffer the likes of you to abuse my Captain," Pinch said.  Carson let go of Pegsworthy and drew a knife with his other hand.  Pinch frowned, a terrible sight.  "Did you not hear me?"  The dagger struck Pinch's side, bent, and broke.  "They made me what I am . . . stronger than you.  Don't make me tell you again."  Seeming oblivious to Pinch's words, Carson scrabbled for another weapon.  Pinch sighed.  "So be it."  A dark, purplish emanation seemed to leak from the tiefling's skin.  Carson screamed as the flesh seemed to shrink on his bones.  In moments, all that remained was a brittle, desiccated skeleton.  Pegsworthy winced.

"Are you all right, Captain?" Pinch asked, brushing himself off fastidiously.

"Ahh . . . yess, I think so.  This drug or whatever seems to be passing off."

"Good.  Shall we see to the ship?"

Pegsworthy eyed the pile of grapnels and anchors.  "I have a better idea."  With Pinch's help, he bound two of the grapnels together and hauled them across the Dominator's deck, which was now filled with struggling men.  Ignoring the battle, Pegsworthy rolled one stone off the starboard rail while Pinch threw the other off the port side.  The cable went taught, then the deck began to creak ominously, audible even over the noise of the fighting.

"Everyone off the ship!" Pegsworthy bellowed, waving at Renvel.  By the time they were back aboard the Bonaventure, the Dominator was beginning to break apart.

"Well done, Captain," Labella remarked.

"Yes, I rather thought so."