Rise of the Runelords Interlude: Oh Deer

The ogres were defeated. Fort Rannick was saved. But now Nevis had an even bigger problem.

She was getting bored.

It was probably only temporary, because these bgi people were usually very interesting, but at the moment they were all doing extremely boring, non-heroic things like cleaning and setting dead bodies on fire and there was nothing at all for a gnome to do.

So, she went for a walk.

The forest around Fort Rannick was amazing, a deep untouched wilderness of huge, hoary trees. Supposedly, the First World was like this, which would make sense if there was a portal around here somewhere. Nevis found a clearing full of wildflowers and a sparkling spring that fed a small crystal brook. It would be an ideal place for a picnic if she'd only remembered to bring one.

Then she saw the deer. Three graceful does the size of draft horses and an enormous stag that must have been eleven feet tall. His spreading crown of antlers could have held up quite a large tent if he were so inclined.

“Yo, Staggy!” Nevis yelled. “You know where a gnome can get something to eat around here?”

Their ears shot up, but the giant deer didn't seem alarmed. The stag stepped slowly across the clearing and lowered his head to examine Nevis closely. “There's plenty of grass and flowers,” hes aid, exhaling a cloud of deer-breath.

“But I don't eat grass and flowers. Got anything tastier?”

“There are some bushes.”

“They got berries?”

“It's too late in the year for berries.”

“Well, that's no good.”

“There is this house.”

“And they have food? Sounds good. Where is it?”

“It's a long walk for a little creature. Climb on and I'll take you,” said the stag.

Nevis liked this adventure already. “Ride a giant stag? COOOOOOOOLLLLL.”

The stag lowered its head all the way to the ground and Nevis grabbed an antler. He then raised his head and turned his neck so that the dangling gnome was over his back. Nevis let go and landed in the stag's fur ruff, which was almost thick enough to swallow her whole.

The does abruptly looked up and then sprang into a run, scattering toward the trees. The stag tensed and Nevis saw an enormous wolf, black of fur, yellow of tooth, red of eye. It snarled and the stag bolted, the wolf only seconds behind.

“COOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL!!!” Nevis shrieked, clinging to the stag's fur. Still, things weren't looking so hot for the stag. The trees slowed it, and the wolf was rapidly catching up. “Help!” Nevis yelled. “Wolf!” She heard an enraged squeal and the wolf suddenly yelped and reversed direction. A satisfied grunting followed and an enormous boar stepped out of the bushes and trotted over to where the stag stood panting with Nevis on its back.

“Cool!” Nevis said as the boar's snout whuffled at her. “Who are you?”

“I'm the first little pig,” the boar grunted. “And that's my wife, the second little pig, and my other wife the third little pig.” Two equally enormous sows joined the boar, followed by a squalling mob of piglets.

“Er, little?” Nevis asked.

“You got a problem with that?” the boar snuffled.

“Nope, no problem at all.”

“Good. So what are you doing in our forest?”

“YOUR forest?” the stag demanded.

“The forest,” the boar replied without hesitation. He was very diplomatic for a pig.

“We're going to find something to eat,” Nevis explained.

The boar grunted. “There are plenty of acorns, but not much people food.”

“The stag said there was a house.”

“Oh, yes, that might work. Come this way.” The boar casually leered a fallen trunk out of the path and the stag followed him, piglets running around under his hooves and making a terrific racket.

Still, they hadn't gone far when Nevis began to hear barking, and sure enough, here was a large floppy-eared dog bellowing away at three small black bears in a tree, all peering down with worried expressions.

“What's all that noise?” Nevis asked.

“Those bears hurt my friend!” barked the hound.

“What friend?”

The hound pointed, and Nevis spotted a large red fox lying on the ground, licking its paw. It held the wounded limb up hopefully, and Nevis cast a healing spell. “There, all better. Now let those bears alone.”

The hound whined but stepped aside, and the three little bears slowly and cautiously descended the tree. The boar eyed them suspiciously and snorted. “They better not eat any of my piglets.”

“Nobody is eating anybody,” Nevis said. “We're going to find the house and have lunch.”

“Hey, we're hungry, can we come, too?” the fox asked.

“Sure!” Nevis said, and the stag, three pigs, fox, hound, and three little bears all set off. It wasn't long before they found a path through the forest, and Nevis caught a whiff of something delicious.

“Wow, quite a parade you've got there,” a high-pitched voice cried, and Nevis looked own to see a small golden-haired child in a red cloak.

“We're looking for a house that has some lunch,” Nevis explained while the bears eyed the child's hair askance.

The child pointed. “It's just over there, by the mossy old tower. Say, have you seen any wolves around here?”

“Just one, but the pigs scared it off.”

“Oh, good, then I'd better head off to grandmother with these goodies. Bye!” The child skipped off down the path.

Only a few moments later, Nevis discovered where the goodies came from. It was, indeed, a house, but it didn't contain food. It WAS food. Or, more specifically, it was constructed of turkey logs with mashed potatoes for mortar, cranberry jelly for window glass, flower beds full of green beans, a bacon door and shutters, and a small fountain that appeared to be full of gravy. The roof was an enormous slab of gingerbread with cream cheese icing. It was all fresh and even seemed to be piping hot and steaming slightly.

“Oh, wow!” Nevis said. This adventure kept getting better and better. The animals sprang forward and began eating. Nevis took out her sword and sliced herself an excellent lunch.

A human woman with short brown hair came around the side of the house and surveyed the scene, looking quite astonished. Nevis swallowed some gravy and said, “Hey, sorry, is this your house?”

“No,” the woman said. “It belongs to the witch, but she doesn't come here any more now that she's all busy at the castle. I live over there, in the tower.”

“I'm Nevis.”

“Nice to meet you. I'm called Rapunzel. I'm afraid you might be in trouble, Nevis.”

Adventure! “What trouble?” Nevis asked.

“The evil witch rules this forest, and she doesn't let anyone leave. People come here from outside and she enchants them or curses them or turns them into animals.”

“Why would she do that?”

“You did hear me say she's evil, right? She turned my boyfriend into a monster. I haven't seen him in weeks. I'm worried he might get hurt.”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah,” the stag said. “She shot my mother.”

“Her wolf wrecked our house,” the pigs said. “Three times!”

“The little child with the red cloak works for her,” said the bears. “She's always coming around and taking our things.”

“Well, that all sounds dreadful. We should do something about it.”

“You can't,” said Rapunzel. “She's a powerful witch.”

“Well, I'm not scared of witches. I know a trick or two myself. I fought this evil snake-lady just the other day.”

Rapunzel sighed. “Well, if you're determined, you can always follow the road to the castle. I won't try to stop you. In fact, take this.” She reached into the pocket of her apron and held out what looked like three shiny round pebbles. Nevis took them.

“Stones?” she asked.

“They're magic beans. They might be useful.”

“Oh. Um, okay, thanks.”

“Just be careful and don't get killed.”

XX

The animals and Nevis ate until they almost couldn't move, but there didn't seem to be any less food house left than when they started. Nevis filled her backpack with seconds for later, took a big drink from the stream, and the parade of animals set off down the road toward the castle, moving slowly and burping occasionally. They hadn't gone far when Nevis spotted a dark shape in the trees, creeping along parallel to the road. “Hey, is that the wolf?” she shouted.

“I'll get it!” the first little pig grunted, and he charged. The creature screamed in a surprisingly high-pitched, girly voice and ran out of the trees. It looked like some sort of wolf-man, b ut it had short horns like a goat and a thick mane like a lion. And, most improbably, it was wearing pants.

“No, don't hurt me!” it squeaked. “I didn't mean any harm!”

“Are you an animal or a person?” Nevis demanded.

“Well, neither, since the witch turned me into a monster. Everyone just calls me Beast.”

“You must be Rapunzel's boyfriend. She's worried about you.”

“I can't go back, I mean, look at me. I used to be a prince!”

“Well, you can come with us if you want. We're going to sort out this whole witch business.”

“Really? I'll come along then. Got anything to eat?”

XX

The castle turned out to be a bit of an anticlimax. Nevis was expecting something tall and soaring with pointy towers and flags flying bravely in the wind, but it was just a crumbling heap of gray stone buried in a tangle of rosebushes with thorns like daggers. A single crooked stone tower rose inside the walls, with a faint glow shining from its lone window.

“Okay,” Nevis said. “Where's the witch?”

“She must be inside,” said Beast.

“So how do WE get inside? Those rosebushes don't look very friendly to me. I wish Melissah was here.”

“What's a Melissah?”

“Never mind. Have you got any ideas?”

“Well, you have a sword, you could cut your way through.”

“That would take forever. Let me see what I have in my pockets.” Nevis began rooting around, but nothing looked very helpful.

“What's this?” Beast asked, pointing.

“Oh, those are some magic beans Rapunzel gave me.”

“Why don't you try those?”

“Oh, well, fine,” Nevis said, and climbed off the stag's back. She dug a small hole in the dirt, dropped in the beans, and patted the dirt back over them. A beanstalk immediately shot out of the ground and almost took out her eye. “Wow, look at it go!” she crowed. The beanstalk grew and grew and grew and then fell over on the castle because nobody had staked it to anything to hold it up. “Er, that wasn't quite what I was expecting, to be honest,” Nevis said.

“No, look,” said Beast, “We can climb it to get in. It's almost like a bridge.”

“Oh, right on.”

The castle courtyard was empty except for a big chunk of rock with a glowy sword handle sticking out of it. Nevis gave it an experimental tug, but it was wedged in good and tight. Then there was a loud bang and a fireball and a hideous green-skinned hag wearing a black cloak and black pointy hat appeared. She coughed and waved away a cloud of sulfur.

“What are you doing in my castle?!” she rasped.

“I'm here to defeat you!” Nevis yelled.

The witch screamed and threw a fireball. Nevis ducked behind the beanstalk, but she was still badly singed. Things didn't look good. Then Nevis spotted a large bean hanging just over her head. This wouldn't normally be noteworthy, but it had the words “eat me” written on the side. So, Nevis grabbed it and took a bite. Immediately, she swelled up into a giant almost as tall as the castle tower. Nevis whooped and punted the astonished witch right over the wall.

And then the witch turned into a dragon. Nevis ducked again as it breathed fire, burning away the thorny rosebushes. “Help!” Nevis yelled. Beast ran forward, snatched the sword from the stone, and stabbed the dragon.

“Woo!” Nevis cheered. “Right in the biscuits!” And that was the end of the evil witch. Nevis surveyed the battlefield in satisfaction. “Hey, look at that! You're a prince again!”

The restored prince waved his new sword happily. “I can marry Rapunzel now!”

Nevis ate another bean and shrank back to normal size. She went up to the tower and climbed the stairs. In the room at the top were seven dwarves sitting around a very beautiful lady dwarf who was lying in a crystal casket asleep.

“Um, hello?” said Nevis.

“Who are you?” asked the oldest dwarf, who had an extremely white beard and bushy eyebrows.

“I defeated the witch and now you're all saved! Well, I suppose it was really more of a team effort.”

“We're not saved. My wife still hasn't woken up.”

“Oh yeah? Why not?”

“The witch cursed her. She won't wake up until a prince kisses her, and where are you going to find one of those in this enchanted realm?”

“Wait here just a second,” Nevis said, and went back downstairs. The prince was in the courtyard with Rapunzel, who was now wearing a pretty white dress and a gold crown.

“How can we ever thank you?” Rapunzel asked.

“You can let me borrow your boyfriend for a minute.”

So, all in all, it was an extremely heroic day. The dwarf-lady woke up and slapped the former Beast right in the mush. The dwarves were happy, the Prince was happy (if a bit sore), Rapunzel was happy, the animals were happy, and Nevis was happy. The stag offered to carry Nevis back to Fort Rannick, and she was so worn out that she slept almost the entire way.

Vale sounded the alarm when the giant stag vaulted the wall and landed in the courtyard of the fort. Nevis waved as everyone came running. “No, no, relax guys, everything's fine!” she yelled.

“Nevis,” said Iozua. “What the buck?!”