Sounds like a good deal all around, hmm?
Dear Sir or Madam,
This is to inform you that I have just cut my Capital One card in half and no longer intend to do business with your company -- ever. I email you because I am NOT calling your organization again -- ever. I am CCing my family and friends, several of whom have Capital One accounts, so that they may be warned of the abysmal customer service you provide to your customers and make decisions accordingly.
Yesterday and today I spent over an hour-and-a-half on the phone with several representatives from your customer service, recoveries, and estate services departments. When the system allowed me to reach a person (about half the time) I was usually put on hold and/or transferred. I was accidentally disconnected twice when I thought I had reached the end of phone-menu purgatory. I was transferred well over a dozen times (I lost track) over the course of several phone calls and I told the same lengthy story to four different individuals in various departments. Twice, the only reason I wasn't transferred and put on hold was because I specifically asked not to be. When I issued this instruction a third time and was transferred anyway, I gave up -- and hung up on you (this felt very good, by the way).
I cut the card right through the middle of "No" and "Hassle". You can call me to verify account closure if you wish: I might allow you to speak to a real person or I might not. Right now, you would definitely get transferred to one of my cats.